Part the last?

Last time. . .

Yeah. . . this gotten a lot bigger than I hoped it would be, and it's honestly becoming more tedious than funny. This is the second part, and probably the last, of my Star Trek II/Family Guy mash up. . .  Jesus, even writing that I feel the creativity draining from my body. I guess after being gone from writing for so long, I just wanted to write something, and I figured these jokes had been sort of bouncing in my head for a while, and April Fools was coming up, so. . . yeah. So here it is.


The following is a parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by Harve Bennett, Jack B. Sowards, Nicholas Meyer, and Samuel A. Peeples, and Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane.

CUT TO:

INT, Botany Bay, Main Area

TERRELL and CHEKOV are held by four strong men-- including a BEARDED, DISHEVELED JOAQUIN PHOENIX (JOAQUIN from now on)-- while KHAN stands before them. (Note: Khan is still masked, so our heroes don't recognize him yet). Khan then SLOWLY REMOVES his outer clothing. Very slowly. Layer after layer after layer for a good thirty seconds or so. Then, finally, the mask comes off, revealing the white haired, bare-pecked superman himself.

CHEKOV

(gasps)

Khan!

KHAN

(to Terrell)

I don't know you. . .

(to Chekov)

But you. . . I never forget a face. Mister. . .Oro, isn't it?

CHEKOV

(nervous, shifty-eyed)

. . . I don't know what you're talking about--

KHAN

(excited)

Yeah yeah yeah! You were totally Oro from The Starlost, man!

CHEKOV

(even more nervous, stuttering)

I-I've never even been to Canada!

TERRELL

Chekov, who is this man?!

CHEKOV

A criminal, captain. A product of late twentieth century genetic engineering.

TERRELL

What do you want with us? I demand --

KHAN

You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk.

TERRELL

(to others)

Listen to me, you men and women -- !

KHAN

Save your strength, Captain, these people, incuding my right hand man, Joaquin--

CUTAWAY to JOAQUIN.

JOAQUIN

(mumbling)

You're doing great. . .

KHAN

-- uh, yeah, thanks. They have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born.

(pause)

Do you mean. . . he (i.e. Chekov) never told you the tale? To amuse you, Captain? Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay, lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze?

TERRELL

You mean like in Demolition Man?

KHAN

(angry)

No, not like in--!

(calm)

Well, that was in 1996, too. I guess I can see the confusion--

TERRELL

Well, I've never even met Admiral Kirk.

KHAN

Admiral? He didn't tell you how Admiral Kirk sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us?

CHEKOV

You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life, a fair chance to--

KHAN

(loud, drawn out, lots of spittle, kinda like "This Is Sparta!")

THIS IS CE-TI AL-PHA FIIIIVVVVEEE!

KHAN clears his throat. One of Khan's soldiers hands him bottled water. Khan takes a sip.

Oh, that's better. Yeah, Ceti Alpha VI built a Hadron Collider, and of course it created a black hole, blah blah blah, and, y'know. . . it was a whole thing. Anyway, Admiral Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that enabled us to survive!

CHEKOV

Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him.

KHAN

You. . . didn't expect to find me. You thought. . . this was Ceti Alpha VI.

CHEKOV

Is that your superior intellect at work?

KHAN

Silence!

KHAN-- being the size of infant Stewie-- GRABS CHEKOV BY THE FOOT AND FLIPS HIM OVER.

CUT TO:

CU of CETI EEL TANK.

KHAN

Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.

KHAN uses TWEEZERS to PULL OUT A PAIR OF DISGUSTING CETI EELS. As he shows off the eels, we pan to a CU of KHAN.

KHAN

What do you think? They killed twenty of my people--

CUT AWAY to a photo of RUPERT.

KHAN

-- including my beloved wife. Oh, not all at once, and not instantly, to be sure.

(beat)

You ever have a really irritating by at the same time really catchy song that you just can't get out of your head? It just enters through your ears and wraps itself around your cerebral cortex? Then you become susceptible to suggestion, which is followed by madness and death? It's kinda like that.

The STRONG MEN hold TERRELL and CHEKOV in place as KHAN DROPS THE EELS into their helmets. The eels slowly CRAWL INTO THEIR EARS, and we begin to hear what TERRELL and CHEKOV are going through.

REBECCA BLACK(V.O.)

It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! (etc. etc.)

TERRELL and CHEKOV scream in agony as we--

CUT TO

EXT, FS of ENTERPRISE in orbit at space dock. A SHUTTLECRAFT flies into frame, heading toward the ship.

CUT TO:

INT, ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEBAY. SPOCK, SAAVIK, and SCOTTY (JOE, who for now walks fully upright) along with dozens of CADETS, have gathered to welcome CAPTAIN KIRK, who steps off the shuttle, followed by BONES, UHURA, and SULU.

EVERYONE

(like in Cheers)

KIRK!

KIRK

(to SPOCK)

Permission to come aboard, Captain.

SPOCK

Permission granted. I think you know my training crew. Certainly they have come to know you.

KIRK

(to SAAVIK)

Yes, we've been through death. . . and life together.

SAAVIK glares a KIRK.

KIRK

(to Scotty)


Mister Scott, you old space dog!


SCOTTY


Sir, allow me to introduce Midshipman Peter Preston, engineers mate.


SCOTTY introduces PRESTON, young, stiff, in a white engineer's uniform. He gives a big salute.


PRESTON


Sir!


KIRK


Midshipman. 


(beat)


That's a red shirt you got there, son. A damn red shirt.


PRESTON


Uh. . . my uniform's white, sir.


KIRK


Damn red shirt.


PRESTON


Uh, yes sir.


KIRK


(out of no-where)


God, I hate inspections. Mr. Scott, are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise?


SCOTTY


Just give the word, sir.


KIRK


Mr. Scott, the word is given.


CUT TO


EXT. FS of ENTERPRISE, clearing the moorings, bombastic music swelling.


CUT TO:


EXT, FS of REGULA STATION, in orbit of the barren planet REGULA I.


CHEKOV(V.O.)


... come in, please. This is the Reliant calling Regula One. Repeat. This is USS Reliant -


CUT TO:


INT, REGULA STATION. BS of CAROL MARCUS (LOIS) sitting at a comm station. We can see CHEKOV on a screen in front of Carol.


CAROL


Commander, we are receiving. This is Regula One. Go ahead.


CHEKOV


Ah, Doctor Marcus... good. We're en route to you and should be there in three days.


CAROL

En route?  Why?  We weren't expecting you for another three months.  Has something happened?

CHEKOV

We have received new orders.  Upon our arrival at Regula One, all materials of Project Genesis will be transferred to this ship for immediate testing on Ceti Alpha Six.

CAROL'S son, DAVID (CHRIS), stands over her shoulder.

DAVID

Who in the hell do they think they are?! Who gave the order?!


CHEKOV


(pause)


The orders came from Admiral James T. Kirk.


DAVID


I knew it! I knew it! All along the military's wanted to get their hands on this -


CAROL


This has to be some sort of mistake. Starfleet has kept the peace for a hundred years. I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event.


DAVID


(confused)


"Subscribe to my interpretation?" "Subscribe," what, like a magazine?


CAROL


No, what I mean is don't buy into it--


DAVID


Then why don't you just say that--?


CHEKOV


I'm sorry you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out.


CUT TO:


INT, Reliant bridge, BS of CHEKOV at comm. He cuts communications, and we pull back to reveal KHAN standing behind him.


KHAN


Well done, Commander.


CHEKOV


You realize, sir, that they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.


We then hear JOAQUIN, talking from his post.


JOAQUIN


You know. . . you're kinda freakin' me out here. You're all hung up on, y'know, Kirk, and. . . it's weirdin' me out. . .


KHAN


He tasks me! He tasks me! And I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares malestrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up!


To be. . . continued?